Senior Jokes

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A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"


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AT THE BAR THE OTHER NIGHT

An elderly looking gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady.

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

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CAN YOU REMEMBER?

1. Candy cigarettes?

2. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside?

3. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles?

4. Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes?

5. Blackjack chewing gum?

6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles, with cardboard stoppers?

7. Party lines?

8. Newsreels before the movie?

9. P. F. Flyers?

10. Butch wax?

11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix ? (Drexel-5505)

12. Peashooters?

13. Howdy Doody?

14. 78 RPM Records?

15. S&H Green Stamps?

16. Hi-fi's?

17. Metal ice cube trays, with levers?

18. Mimeograph paper?

19. Blue flash bulbs?

20. Beanie and Cecil?

21. Roller skate keys?

22. Cork popguns?

23. Driveins?

24. Studebakers?

25. Wash tub wringers?

Now add up your score If you remembered 0 to 5, you're still young If you remembered 6 to 15, you are getting older. If you remembered 16 to 25, you are older than dirt




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RETIREMENT, A WIFE'S VIEW

A frustrated wife told me the other day her definition of retirement:

"Twice as much husband on half as much pay."

An elderly looking gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady.

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

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THE STAGES OF SUCCESS

At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is...having friends.

At age 16 success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is...having sex.

At age 35 success is...having money.

At age 50 success is...having money.

At age 60 success is...having sex.

At age 70 success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is...having friends.

At age 80 success is...not peeing in your pants

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An 80-year-old man went for his annual checkup and the doctor said "Friend, for your age, you're in the best shape I've ever seen." The old fella replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why, I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life."

The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life, the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom lights on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night." The Doc was concerned, "You mean, when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord, himself, turns the light on for you?"

"Yep." the old man said. "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me." Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her checkup, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said.

"Your husband is in fine physical shape, but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."

"He What?" She cried.

"He said that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."

"AHA!" She exclaimed. "So he's the one who's been peeing in the fridge!" jokes-for-seniors-05.gif

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SIGNS OF WEAR

You may be getting older:

When your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

When going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

When getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today.

When "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

When an "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

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THE INTELECTUALLS

Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set.

The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"

To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes and I think it's these damned wicker chairs."


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